Ok.. somone asked me to update my blog... so here it is... plain and simple...
MY LIFE SUCKS!
My boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me... I can't get a job anywhere, not even McDicks because of my stupid police record which i got 5 years ago when i was a stupid 18 year old, And the job I have now is paying about 50 dollars a week. I am so broke my car insurance, utilities and phone will soon be cut off. My credit card is maxed out, my video camera is in the pawn... anbd rent is due in 5 days. There is my update.

This is my sponsor child. His name is Donato Canon Bellen. He will be 12 on May 18th. Donato lives in the Philipines with his mother and father and 4 brothers. Donato enjoys swimming and playing with friends, and is talented at singing and dancing. Donato lives in a two room bamboo hut with palm leaves for a roof and floor. The family sleeps on mats on the floor and do not own a single bed. The water is from a community well, and the sanitaion facility is simply and open field. Although electricity is available, it is not affordable. Donato's mother is a housekeeper and his father is a fisherman and they earn about $44 a month.

I am very happy to have received this child to help. I mean really, is $22 a month really that much when it is improving the life of a child? Anyhow... I can't wait to get a letter from him, and send him one from Kayden and I with some pictures and maybe a small treat.

23 years......

Well here I am... spending my 23rd birthday alone. How sad. My mom wouldn't even take me out for lunch. But that is ok because I went for a tan, bought myself a few presents and am now about to start in on a birthday bottle of wine (that I bought for myself) Who needs people when you have Boones?Any how... here is to being one year older, wiser and just a tad more cynical!

OK... this is for... u know who. You gotta stop this... u gotta get a life. It's really your choice... but don't blame me when it all comes crashing down around you!!!! You have been warned. Do not do this! Do not continue this thing you call your life, not to say kill yourself or anything crazy... but change it! You and only you have the power... but what you do with it is your choice. Hope things turn out ok..... because to be completely honest with you... I just don't care about it.... and don't want to hear about it anymore. Sorry to be a bitch, but sometimes, being a high riding bitch is all a girl has to hold on. Hope you find the motivation you need, before it's too late.

Heard a poem today that totally explains how I feel these days....

its hard to wait
around for something
that you know
might never happen
but its even harder
to give up
when you know
its everything
that you want

Love

Love is such a tender thing
Like petals touched by the first day of spring
Everything at first is gold and new
Then things turn silver and you start to see blue
But then when you next look things are black
And this is when you like to turn your back
You ignore it all when things get rough
All because you have to be tough
When oh when will you ever learn
Like all things love too can turn.

I can say in all honesty that today has by far been the worst day of my entire life. I figured that when I got home, I would have my loving boyfriend to cheer me up. Boy was I wrong. He walked in the door and started getting mad right off the bat. Then we got in an arguement and he slapped me. Then he continued to tell me how lazy, and slobby and useless I am. THen he just had to rub in how my entire family has basically shunned me, as if that isn't hard enough. Then we argued some more and he threw his drink in my face. So that on top of everything has just about pushed me to the edge.

There has been so much stress. I don't think I canb take much more. God I feel so alone, so unloved. Why is it that even though my life is going better than it has in my entire life, why am I so depressed??? I can't beleive I am actually going to admit this, but I have actually given some serious thought to suicide. SCary. For anyone who knows me, they would be shocked for me even bringing that up. I can't help but think of my best friend who killed herself almost 8 years ago. God Kris, I'm so sorry you ever felt like this. I now understand. I am so glad I have a son to live for, that is truly what is kepping me going right now.

Wow..... I'm pregnent. I'm not sure if I am happy, or upset or terrified. I have no idea. And I have no idea what I am going to do. That's all I have to say. I think I'm in shock.